The Acceptance of a Faulty Personality

The Acceptance of a Faulty Personality

You always had an excuse.

They loved and cared for you, but you pushed them away.

And now no one is there to listen anymore.

But would it matter anyway?

When they listened all you did was lie.

You lied about how you felt and you lied about why you felt that way.

You needed that façade to mask your apathy.

Artist Statement

My self portrait, coupled with my flash fiction piece, offers insight on my personality and complex way of thinking. I chose to edit a dated photograph of me and my past best friends sharing a laugh together, because that particular photograph, and the story behind it, shows how my demeanor often falsely represents how I feel on the inside. The day that photo was taken I was a mess of self-destruction, I had no morale, and my friends were bitter because they sensed my indifference. We were taking photos and the flash went off around 9 times, which made my friends laugh, but I was so out of it  and instead of telling them how I felt, I pretended to laugh with them. That photo eventually came to define our relationship: meaningful on the outside and damaged from within.

I inserted a recent photo of myself into this image. I didn’t try to look sad in the photo, but rather I tried to look authentic. I did this by bringing my feelings to the surface, primarily the feeling of numbness. Then I made the whole piece black and white to represent how dismissive I see my life, no need for details such as color. The black and white aspect also symbolizes the need to fit one’s personality into a box, when actually personality is much more complex than that. The two photos of myself juxtapose each other, which shows how often my feelings contradict each other.

My flash fiction piece is a memoir focusing on the excuses I made to get out of social gatherings when really I was depressed, and too uncomfortable to admit it to my friends. I wrote it in second person to make it more personal, both for the reader and myself, and I thought that making my sentences short and vague would make the reader think and over-analyze the meaning behind the piece. I also decided to italicize the word “needed” to put emphasis on why I act the way I do.  In the story I explore my regrets and character flaws by reflecting on my past friendships and how they ended. My portrait and flash fiction go together because they both show my distant attitude towards close relationships and my two different personalities, the one the world sees and the one that I see.

Personality and Implicit Bias

Personality is defined as one's distinct and enduring characteristics, including both conscious and unconscious feelings and behavior. Throughout history personality has been a topic up for discussion. Every great psychologist has had their own theory on personality, from Freud to Maslow.  Freud mostly focused on the unconscious and believed that ego, one’s sense of self esteem, was key in determining personality. Most people today believe that personality is concrete and consistent, which explains why marriage is so deeply rooted in many societies. Our implicit biases also contribute to our personalities, because they affect our actions and determine our feelings. Even today stereotypes play an important role in the world around us, but most go unnoticed. Many believe that implicit biases are bad, and are even detrimental to society, so they stray away from confronting their own biases.

In the Invisibilia Podcast “The Personality Myth,” host Alix Spiegel interviews a convicted felon, Dan, and finds that his personality doesn’t seem to match the stereotypical public  persona. After speaking with Dan, Spiegel sees how his personality has changed through his life  and she comes to the conclusion that “people who are believed to have the same personality just live in the same circumstances”. Clearly, personality isn’t consistent with behavior, but rather behavior is consistent with circumstances. Spiegel shows that Dan acted the way he did because his circumstances pushed him to, not because he has a cruel personality. Dan’s disposition never changed, but his circumstances did, which attributed to his observed “change” in personality. In addition, Spiegel proves that personality isn’t always good or bad, it is a complex subject that can’t be summed up in one defining adjective.

Also, in the TED Talk “How to overcome biases? Walk boldly toward them,” Vernā Myers explores the idea that acknowledging biases, and proving them wrong, can potentially remove them from society. She also brings up an interesting point that biases don’t die, but rather thrive, because it’s easier to be a bystander than an advocate. She illustrates this idea by telling a story of a grandmother making racist remarks over Thanksgiving dinner, Myers states, “You know who is at the table? Children are at the table”. Obviously, she is trying to bring attention to the fact that children learn their implicit biases through mere exposure to stereotypes and in extreme cases even hatred. This idea that children learn from their family proves that biases don't die because we won't let them.

I personally agree with Spiegel much more than I do with Myers. First of all, Spiegel’s conclusion that circumstances impact our behaviors, not our personalities, was glass shattering to me. It explains why many people of the same socioeconomic level seem to have identical personalities and similar biases towards certain groups of people. Spiegel’s point about complexity of personality also resonates with me. Everyone has a unique personality made up of both good and bad character traits, personality isn’t just black and white, the grey area is what builds personality. In class we took some personality assessments that placed everyone within a category personality, and that idea of conformity is what Spiegel criticizes in her podcast.

Although I agree with most of what she has to say, I do believe that Myers leaves out important ideas in her discussion on the topic of implicit bias. Yes, no one is born with biases, and yes, biases develop through experience and exposure to bigotry, but she is ignorant to think that one day biases will be obsolete just because they are confronted. Even when biases are suppressed they are still present, and implicit biases will always be predominant because everyone wants to feel superior to others. We live on these biases, and they aren't all bad, some even benefit society by exposing and confronting injustice. I know that finding my biases this year in class has been eye opening for me, and no matter how hard I try, I will still have to live with them. Biases will never die because we are our biases, they make up our personality.